changed

I took a different route to work today and saw a few more exciting sights than usual. Peeled paint leaving patches on shop fronts, filthy five-foot ways, scantily dressed woman luring lone men walking by, un-lit signboards that sing of another world at night - "Her Majesty Karaoke & Pub". It is a life I guess I will never completely understand but yet, it sensitized and softened me. And I think about the people I travel with to work every morning, spacing out or deep in thought about their own rat race, it seems whether we traveled on this road or the usual one, we get to the same end. But who are we at the end? How do we allow ourselves to be changed? Have they also seen this side of the world or can one be too sensitized that we're again cold towards such?

1/10

I started this morning thinking "this is day one of 10", I still can't believe I agreed to this break. I thought my days of breaks were over, that at some point in my life, I was hoping this one, I'd be able to resolve issues with you, without going through the torment of separation, no matter how short. I reflect on how we got here; what caused the depth of our mutual understanding to be piled over with 3 weeks of bitch-fight. And the factors are many but one weighs heaviest: Our pride too colossal for us to recognise that the emotional baggage we carry cripples our movement forward. Still, we embrace the damage like our defence ammo, awaiting the trigger from a familiar attack, regardless of its relevance. In fact, the terms we use to describe what is wrong are mere facades for a deeper wound we refuse to abandon; our arguments are no longer constructive, careless towards the architecture of our relationship, but rather a world of spiteful exchange, explicit or allusive.

Yet, I cannot spend a vacant moment not thinking about you.

When I think about you, I think about my whole life. It is as if I've never led any other. I am unable to classify joy, happiness, love, pleasure, friendship, comfort, contentment, because with you, I feel them all and more. My entire being responds to you like water responds to currents; synchronised, inextricable. I consider our repeated encounter with each other the evidence of fate, and even though it was trying, and still is, I have never regretted any moment of it. At this point, I can only look towards day 10 and anticipate a revelation on how to expunge the darkness of pain and bitterness that mars this profoundly strong and passionate relationship that we share.